Dreaming With a Broken Heart
by avengellie
Summary: It'd been nearly two weeks since the guard came back with the news of Loki's death, and in that time you'd fallen into a deep depression. You haven't eaten, you've taken to lying in bed all day. And every single dream has him in it. (Loki/Reader one-shot, warnings: suicidal/depression/nightmares/death)


_So I was listening to the song (Dreaming With a Broken Heart by John Mayer) and this just kinda. Happened. Oops. -E_

* * *

They say that when you're dreaming with a broken heart… The waking up is the hardest part. You always thought that was a stupid thing to say: wouldn't the day-to-day life be harder than waking from any dream?

But after getting the news that Loki was… You finally understood what they meant. They were a blessing. Most of the time, anyways. In your dreams you were with him. You could almost feel the touch of his skin against yours, the warmth of his body… It was like he was still with you: if only for a little while. The nightmares, however, were another story altogether. More often than not, they consisted of _you yourself_ finding him… In various stages of decomposition, or completely broken and bent in unnatural positions… Almost always covered in blood, his eyes staring up in fear at you. In one nightmare, you had even been in the perspective of the one killing him. That had been the worst one by far.

Sitting up, you gasped for breath, tightly shutting your eyes. Your entire body was shaking, drenched in a cold sweat. Tears already spilling down your cheeks, you tried to choke back a sob, covering your mouth with your hand.

Suddenly feeling a presence in the room, your eyes flew open, thinking for a moment that maybe, just maybe, the entire thing had been a dream. Your eyes eagerly searched the room for the intruder, praying against logic that Loki was there.

But he wasn't. Of course he wasn't. Loki was dead.

Reality came crashing back down on you as this time you made no effort to keep back your sobs. It had been 12 days since the guard returned with the news, informing the All-Father that Loki's body had been found. It had been 12 days since you got a _decent_ night's sleep- without interruption or nightmares. 12 days since you had left the comforts of Loki's room. You'd refused almost all of the meals brought to you by various servants. The only time you'd spoken was when Thor returned, but that was almost 10 days ago now, and it was a short conversation, anyways. He'd tried comforting you, but to no avail. He couldn't understand, anyways. How could he?! You'd just lost your husband- the only man you'd ever love. He couldn't possibly understand that.

You cried and cried, soon clutching Loki's old pillow to your chest, burying your face in it. Very faintly, it still smelled like him, but it was a small comfort. All you wanted was for Loki to roll onto his side in the bed to face you, quickly bringing you into his warm arms like he always did. He was always your sense of comfort, always _there_.

After what seemed like hours, your tears slowly subsided. Eyes stinging, you slowly looked up and towards the thin closed curtains in the archways that lead to the balcony. You were sure it wasn't light out when you woke up, but the sun faintly shone through the curtains, sure enough. Sniffling softly, you rubbed your eyes. It'd been days since you'd felt any form of warmth from the sun, fresh air on your face… Despite being open to the outside, the bedroom felt hot and stuffy.

Slowly forcing yourself to crawl to the edge of the bed, you moaned, your eyes closing again and bending forwards, your head leaning against the soft covers. Every muscle felt stiff and tense, either from your nightmare or laying in bed the entire day previous. Or both. After a few moments, you sat up. Swinging your legs over the edge of the bed, you slid off, your feet stinging as they hit the cool floor. Quickly sitting back down on the bed, you nursed your spinning head. Sitting for a few more minutes, you braved standing again. Much less dizzy, you sighed softly, grabbing Loki's blanket and wrapping it snugly around your shoulders as you slowly made your way to the archways.

Stopping in front of the curtains, you _very _slowly pulled one of them back, wincing slightly and squinting at the sudden light of the still-rising sun. Giving your eyes time to adjust as you continued to slowly pull back the curtain, you felt the cool spring air hit your face for the first time in days. Taking a deep breath, you moved out onto the long balcony. It didn't matter if you'd grown up seeing it your entire life: you would never grow tired of Asgardian sunrises. Making your way to the railing, you looked out over the kingdom, breathing in deeply as the sun already began to warm your cool skin.

For a very short moment, you felt happy. The sun was still rising, the night stars were still shining in the sky above, the whole of Asgard still asleep. But just as soon as the feeling came, it left, only to be replaced by the crushing emptiness you felt at your side. What did any of this matter if he wasn't there to share it with you? Your eyebrows furrowed as you brought the blanket more tightly around your still-shaking frame. _None of it matters_… You thought bitterly to yourself as you scowled at the buildings below.

How long would they even let you continue to stay at the palace with Loki gone? You were probably trying their patience as it was the past few weeks. They would probably kick you out soon. But where would you go? You brushed your (h/c) hair behind your ear carelessly as you scoffed at the thought of your family. They didn't care about you. If you showed up at their doorstep now, they'd probably laugh in your face and turn you away.

No. You couldn't go to them. You couldn't stay here. No where in all the nine realms would ever feel like home again. To be honest, you didn't even really consider the _palace_ your home. It was always Loki. _He_ was your home. And now he was gone forever. So you'd be homeless forever.

"What kind of life is _that_?" you asked aloud, barely recognizing your own voice. It was hoarse. Worn. That was understandable, of course, with all the crying and how you hadn't spoken in days. Sighing to yourself again, you leaned forwards on the railing, looking straight down to the bottom. You always loved being right above the gardens… It was the perfect view. And now the perfect resting place.

Wait, what? Shaking your head, you quickly leaned back from the rail, trying to push the thought of jumping from your head. _Don't be stupid_, you tried to reason with yourself. _Do you really think Loki would want you off and killing yourself? _You paused, biting down on your lip to keep it from trembling. _Of course he wouldn't… But… He's dead._ The mere thought brought more tears threatening to fall.

It was then a thought occurred to you. If you died… You'd be able to see him again in Valhalla! How hadn't you thought of that before?!

-Of course, there was always the possibility that he went to Hel… But that thought was soon pushed from your mind with the overwhelming need and desire to see him again. To be with him. Even if you were dead, you'd still… _You'd be with him_. And that's all you wanted. That's all you'd ever want. What was left for you here if he was gone?

Without another thought, you let the blanket drop to the floor, instantly shivering in the cool breeze. One of Loki's shirts and your underwear- hardly fitting clothes to die in (the shirt hardly fitting at all, really), but you didn't care. Carefully climbing up onto the railing, you took a deep breath in and looked over the kingdom again, one hand holding onto a bannister next to you. Within seconds, all the pain you'd suffered would end. There would be no more tears, no more sadness, only you and Loki. Forever. All you had to do now was jump. A small smile crossed your lips as you closed your eyes, letting the sun warm your face for the last time.

Moving to take a step forwards off the balcony, you felt yourself yanked backwards. Your eyes snapping open, you gasped as you fell against the cool ground of the balcony and- a body? Groaning softly and blinking a few times, your eyebrows furrowed in frustration. Why would someone stop you? Didn't they know you'd been through enough? Didn't they _realize_ that if you jumped, everything would be okay? That you'd be with Loki? Sitting up and turning your head to look at your "savior", your breath hitched in your throat, making you cough.

"L-_Loki?!_" You gasped at the prince on the floor behind you, an arm tightly wrapped around your waist.  
"(Name), what were you _doing_?!" he demanded, his face wrought with pain and worry. But this was impossible- he was-

That was it. You were dead. You'd just… You'd forgotten jumping, and you'd 'woken up' to Loki. You knew he wouldn't be happy with you killing yourself… Even if it was to be with him again. But if this was Valhalla… Why did you still feel so horrible? Weren't all bad feeling supposed to vanish as you crossed over? That's what you'd always been told, anyways…

"_(Name)_," Loki said again, more sternly, snapping you out of your small trance-like state. "(Name), why would you _ever_ even _think_ about jumping off the ledge?" His voice cracked softly and you turned around to face him.

"To… _To_ _be with you,_" your voice was still hoarse. Shouldn't it be normal if you were dead? "I… I had to be with you in Valhalla, I had to-"  
"_-Valhalla_?!" he asked incredulously. "(Name), I'm not dead." You froze, staring at the man in front of you, not noticing the tears that continued to stream down your face. Gently cupping your cheeks in his hands, Loki's voice was soft. "(Name), I'm _so sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything._" Feeling the warmth of his skin on your face simply brought more tears as you lurched forwards, throwing your arms around him tightly.

"_Loki…_" You whimpered quietly as you buried your face in his chest, able to feel his soft heartbeat. Loki wrapped his arms securely around you, pulling you into his lap and rocking very slowly.

"Shhh, shhh…" he cooed in your ear as he whispered sweet nothings to you. Another sob raked through you as you held onto him desperately, never wanting to let him go again. You weren't sure if this was even real, if it was a dream, if you really _were_ in Valhalla… But you didn't care. As long as you had Loki, everything was okay.

The two of you sat on the balcony for _hours_, you in his lap, holding each other tightly as the morning drew on. The crying had long since passed, and your thoughts had been able to clear some in the fresh morning air.

"Loki?" Your voice was small, almost timid.

"Yes, love?" He kissed the top of your head gently.

"If you were… If you were alive… Why didn't you tell me?" You questioned him, your brow furrowed slightly. "Why did you let me… Let me think…" you stopped, your voice threatening to break. Loki inhaled deeply, letting it out again slowly.

"I couldn't. And for that, I am truly, _deeply sorry_. You've no idea how desperately I wanted to tell you. I stayed with you nearly every night while you slept. I sent countless servants to check in on you, but none of them could get a word from you, I…" He sighed quietly, gently squeezing your arm. Slowly taking in the information, you looked up at him, confused.

"Wait, you were talking to the servants? But why did-"

"The All-Father is missing," Loki said, his tone darkening slightly. "To keep all of Asgard from a panic, I've been forced into taking his place. I've been disguised as him for the past two weeks."

"_Missing?_" Your eyes widened as you watched your husband. "How can he just be…"

"We have guards searching for him _constantly_. Not even Heimdall can see him. So for now, we can only hope." Something still didn't feel right about the situation, but you decided to look past it, focusing instead on another question.

"Then why now? Why were you able to be with me now? Let me know the truth?"

"I told you," he raised his eyebrows as he watched you, one hand absentmindedly stroking your back slowly. "I stayed every night with you. It was _maddening_ not to be able to reach out and comfort you. But when I saw you finally rise and go to the balcony, I had hoped you were starting to heal… To get over it-"

"I would _never_ get over something like that, Loki."

"And when you got onto the ledge… Something had to be done. I couldn't let… Let you…" He shook his head, pain filling his expression again. "I had to intervene. _And_, knowing how stubborn you are… I knew it had to be as myself. I had…" Stopping again, he sighed, gently running a hand through your (h/c) hair. "Love, I'm so sorry." Pressing yourself into him further, you sniffled softly, able to breathe in the familiar smells that you adored so much.

"Don't _ever_ do _anything _like that _ever again_. Do you understand me?" You warned quietly. Loki gave you a small smile, gently tilting your head up and pressing his lips against your own.

"I promise, my love."


End file.
